The Author

Here are a few pieces of Barry's original writing that I have come across in his files

We just discovered a little while ago, that Barry had a website with a few stories on it - we only found out when we were notified that it was about to be shut down as there hadn't been any changes to it for awhile!

I copied the content from the site

The Editor

Windsurfing Magazine

The following is an article I scraped out of the gutter of my brain that you might like to publish. Or give it to Eric Sanford and let his twisted but fertile imagination take it further!!!!

I'm not a religious person, but the other day I started thinking about death and the afterlife. I know what your thinking, "What the hell is this guy rambling on about death in a Windsurfing magazine for, get on with the pictures!" but there is a point to this article. And yes, it does involve windsurfing.

When you die what happens ? According to some, that's it, finito, game over. If this is true that's fine, we can go ahead and shred till we drop. But what if the godbotherers are correct and there is an afterlife. What will the windsurfing be like? Lets face it, I don't want to go anywhere when I die if I cant shred some waves when I get there.

So, one windless day I decided to do some research. First of all I went straight to the top. "God," I said, "What's the windsurfing like in the afterlife?" Unfortunately God wasn't in a very talkative mood and I received no reply, so I went to one of his minions at the local church. The priest was a gentle soul who chatted merrily about the weather and such like until I got to the point and asked him what the windsurfing was like in the hereafter. he stared at me for a minute and then turned his eyes skyward and said "Forgive him Father, he knows not what he is saying."

Going to the top got no reasonable answer so I thought I might as well try the bottom. The yellow pages were no use and the operator just hung up on me when I asked for the number of the local Satan worshipping group. So I resolved to do my own research. I settled in for the afternoon with a copy of the bible I found knocking around in a hotel. I think it belonged to some guy named Gideon.

The first thing I noticed was a definite lack of any mention about windsurfing. I did find mention of a couple of things that would make windsurfing more interesting. Parting the sea would make interesting obstacles on a slalom course, or allow easy car access to windsurfing spots on outer islands. And walking on water would make water starts a lot easier, and save having to paddle back to shore if the wind drops or gear breaks. And turning water into wine would sure help save money at windsurfing parties. If we could make it a beer it would be even better.

After some study I was able to come up with a couple of theories on possible conditions in the afterlife.

Coming back as a worm does not bode well for windsurfing, therefore I don't recommend Buddhism for any serious windsurfer.

From all accounts Heaven is above us. Now any good weather expert will tell you that the wind is usually stronger the higher you get. But the higher you get the less dense the atmosphere is so the wind lacks any punch. Now since NASA have not received any complaints from angels about the noise from shuttle flights we can assume that heaven is very far up indeed. So this does not look promising for a steady 20 knot day in heaven. Also there seems to be no mention of any significant body of water so there wont be any waves to shred.

I also can't imagine the angels being very happy about a bunch of windsurfers hooning around in a rusty van trying to find some wind.

Now everyone knows this is a very hot place. From the reports I've read Hell is a large city by a large lake of boiling magma. So hot air would rise over the lake and cold air would be sucked off the surrounding land creating a constant land breeze. (what we get at night in Auckland during the summer) All we have to do now is find the appropriate headland jutting into the lake and perfect cross-shore conditions are created. And the constant boiling of the lake will generate a good sized swell.

I can see the critics saying that to sail on magma is ridiculous, you'd get burnt to a crisp. This worried me for a while until I realised I would already be dead. Therefore you cant die and you don't have any body with nerve endings to feel any pain. Of course there will need to be some major technological developments of boards and sails to enable them to withstand the higher temperatures but I'm sure you'll bump into some ex NASA people who can help with the construction.

So when you die I'll see you in hell for some hellaciously good sailing.

Barry Hayes

Editors note: The author was struck by lightening while out windsurfing last week. It appears God doesn't like bad reviews.